2021-8-25 Imperfectly human

[0:39 - 0:56] What's up guys, I'm sitting here and talking to you guys.
[0:56 - 1:08] First off, if you guys have not checked out, if you guys have not checked out my new song
[1:08 - 1:14] that I just dropped, be sure to check that out first off, the links in the description
[1:14 - 1:26] I'll check it out, you know, don't keep that shit, go check it out.
[1:26 - 1:42] As many of you guys know, I lost one of my best friends of almost 10 years
[1:42 - 1:49] and it definitely hurts. You know, this is a person that, you know, truly
[1:49 - 1:53] actually cared for that was Stanley to me.
[1:53 - 2:01] He was one of my best friends and for him, the way he did, that hurt.
[2:01 - 2:06] And I've been, you know, having people like asking me, like, you know,
[2:06 - 2:10] what's the song about? Like, are you depressed again? Like,
[2:10 - 2:15] you know, what's the deal with this song? Like,
[2:15 - 2:20] are you feeling like you're on the edge again? Or like, what's up?
[2:20 - 2:28] You know, what's the deal? And the truth is, I'm not on the edge.
[2:28 - 2:32] Am I upset a little bit about what happened?
[2:32 - 2:41] Very much so. And that, and that's why that song
[2:41 - 2:47] pain is like, that's what song pain is essentially about.
[2:47 - 2:56] It's basically about how I lost a
[2:56 - 3:01] friendship with a very good friend over
[3:01 - 3:10] drama that I never even asked for. And, you know, it's that feeling of
[3:10 - 3:15] losing someone. That it's almost like the pain of
[3:15 - 3:23] they feel when someone you love passes away.
[3:23 - 3:40] Like, it's that very same feeling. I was leaving,
[3:40 - 3:46] but I sat down and I had a very long talk with
[3:46 - 3:50] one of my childhood best friends that I grew up with.
[3:50 - 3:54] He was one of my best friends. Well, him is,
[3:54 - 4:03] him and his girlfriend slash wife. Like, you know,
[4:03 - 4:14] I basically grew up with them my whole life.
[4:14 - 4:20] You know, I talked to them about it. Like, I explained the whole situation.
[4:20 - 4:26] I explained the whole thing and what went on.
[4:26 - 4:31] And they both sat down with me and they put it to me like this.
[4:31 - 4:34] You know, I could do one of two things. I could either
[4:34 - 4:39] A, do like I was going to do and leave, which would be
[4:39 - 4:45] understandable. But as a result of, you know,
[4:45 - 4:52] believing, I would essentially be robbing myself of
[4:52 - 4:59] what I love to do. I would be robbing, you know,
[4:59 - 5:03] people of the music that they want to hear me put out.
[5:03 - 5:07] You know, the songs like Pain and
[5:07 - 5:16] In Another Life Revamped, which was the original song
[5:16 - 5:21] In Another Life or Another Life was initially done by
[5:21 - 5:26] Motionless and White. And I decided to, you know, do my own spin on it.
[5:26 - 5:30] To do my own take on it, which I had fun with. I love that song. It's one of my
[5:30 - 5:34] favorites by them. Shout out to Motionless and White.
[5:34 - 5:43] Shout out to Chris Motionless. Fucking love you guys.
[5:43 - 5:49] But they told me that I could either do that or,
[5:49 - 5:56] you know, I could take the pain that I was feeling
[5:56 - 6:07] and run with it, you know. You know, I could take, you know, what I initially
[6:07 - 6:18] love to do. And I can, you know, I could write
[6:18 - 6:23] about it. I could, you know, you know, show people what I go
[6:23 - 6:29] through. Because like the description of my channel says,
[6:29 - 6:38] am I perfect? Far from it. I'm not perfect by any means at all. I'm far from
[6:38 - 6:43] perfect. I don't pretend to be perfect. I don't
[6:43 - 6:50] want to pretend to be perfect. You know, I go through
[6:50 - 6:53] good days and bad days just like everyone else.
[6:53 - 7:00] Just like you guys. I have my good days and then I have, you know, my bad days
[7:00 - 7:06] where I'm like, you know, fuck the world. I don't want to be bothered.
[7:06 - 7:11] And then, you know, I do have my good days where, you know,
[7:11 - 7:16] I just want to, you know, be me and relax, you know.
[7:16 - 7:20] And that's kind of where my head's been at lately is, you know.
[7:20 - 7:25] Like, you know, like you guys, I'm normal. You know, I like to hang out with my
[7:25 - 7:30] friends and my family and my dog and, you know,
[7:30 - 7:37] be normal and binge watch fucking Game of Thrones and Titans and
[7:37 - 7:41] shit. Like that's me. Like I'm that dude that will binge
[7:41 - 7:46] watch anime on a fucking Saturday night or Saturday morning
[7:46 - 7:51] and just sleep in. Like I'm that dude that'll turn on
[7:51 - 7:56] Polaroid TV and sleep until noon binge watching the latest anime
[7:56 - 8:02] that's on or, you know, whatever or binge watch movies I haven't
[8:02 - 8:08] seen since I was fucking 10 years old. Like I'm that guy. Like that's me.
[8:08 - 8:13] That's who I am. You know, like I don't want to be treated
[8:13 - 8:17] any differently than, you know, you guys would treat each other because
[8:17 - 8:25] you know, like you guys, I'm a human being. The only difference is that
[8:25 - 8:31] I express myself through my music. That's really the only difference is that I
[8:31 - 8:35] express myself through my music. And like I said in the description of
[8:35 - 8:40] my channel, if my music can help you in just one person,
[8:40 - 8:50] then I'm doing my job. You know, my music for me is, you know,
[8:50 - 8:56] essentially a form of therapy in a sense. Because, you know, I can talk about
[8:56 - 9:02] things that I wouldn't normally have trouble
[9:02 - 9:10] talking about with anyone else. Like there are things that I can't even talk
[9:10 - 9:17] about with people that I grew up with. And that's where my music comes in.
[9:17 - 9:21] It's like there are things that I just, you know, as stupid as it is. Like there are
[9:21 - 9:25] things that I don't even tell my childhood best friends there.
[9:25 - 9:29] You know, even more family than Sean was.
[9:29 - 9:33] You know, these are people that I grew up with since I was five years old.
[9:33 - 9:43] You know, people that I've known since I was in diapers.
[9:43 - 9:47] And you know, not even they know some of the stuff that goes on in my head. And
[9:47 - 9:51] that's where my music comes in because I can speak those thoughts.
[9:51 - 9:56] I can put them down and, you know, release it to the world. And,
[9:56 - 10:02] you know, hopefully it does help someone because that's what I want.
[10:02 - 10:07] You know, I want my music to be heard. I want, you know, people to feel like,
[10:07 - 10:12] hey, there's somebody out here that can, you know, relate to me.
[10:12 - 10:19] You know, I'm going through say, you know, like say they're going through
[10:19 - 10:24] a depressive state where, you know, they just lost the best friend or
[10:24 - 10:27] they're going through a breakup. You know, I want my music to be able
[10:27 - 10:31] to relate to them and be like, and for them to be able to hear them be like,
[10:31 - 10:40] yo, this guy gets what I'm going through. Like, I don't feel alone.
[10:40 - 10:44] Like, I want my music to make people feel like
[10:44 - 11:01] they're not alone in this world because all we have in this world is each other.
[11:01 - 11:08] You know, like I said the other day is if we could just stop being so
[11:08 - 11:14] negative towards each other and we could start treating,
[11:14 - 11:21] treating each other with the same love and respect that we show
[11:21 - 11:26] people that we look out to, you know, things would be
[11:26 - 11:34] so much better. And like I said, that song pain, you know, really reflects on a lot
[11:34 - 11:38] of that, especially, you know, with what I went
[11:38 - 11:47] through with my now former best friend, Sean. And the song really speaks on
[11:47 - 11:52] not only what I went through with him, but in general, you know,
[11:52 - 11:58] the drama that all this crap brought on that I never asked for
[11:58 - 12:05] and how it impacted my life and how at times I felt like,
[12:05 - 12:17] you know, how I felt like, you know, I was trapped in an
[12:17 - 12:25] abyss of darkness, like just feeling that pain in the angst of,
[12:25 - 12:30] you know, losing so many that you care about due to drama that you never asked
[12:30 - 12:35] for. And to have to reflect on that and,
[12:35 - 12:40] you know, question yourself like, and you wonder,
[12:40 - 12:44] was it me that did something wrong or like
[12:44 - 12:49] what caused this? Was it me? Was it, you know, the situation? Like, what was it
[12:49 - 13:02] that caused it? You know, and that's where the song
[13:02 - 13:07] pain kind of comes in handy. Because, you know, especially the
[13:07 - 13:11] line where I talk about the pain that's eating me
[13:11 - 13:15] from the inside out that is essentially talking about the
[13:15 - 13:20] pain that, you know, I felt when, you know,
[13:20 - 13:26] Sean first, you know, blocked me without a reason.
[13:26 - 13:30] And then the days that followed were
[13:30 - 13:51] way worse. Yo, Fox, what up, man? Yeah, I did, dude. And speaking of
[13:51 - 14:08] which, let me know what you guys think about the spelling.
[14:08 - 14:11] Man, let me give you guys a little bit of an insider
[14:11 - 14:16] on, you know, an instrumental that I'm trying to work on that I'm not entirely
[14:16 - 14:53] done with. Like I said, it's not quite done yet, but
[14:53 - 14:57] it's, it's, it's gonna work. So I'm almost done with it.
[14:57 - 15:23] Like I said, it's not quite done yet. It's, it's almost there.
[15:23 - 15:28] It's getting there. But, and I know a lot of people are gonna bash on me for
[15:28 - 15:32] this, but let me show you guys the song that,
[15:33 - 15:37] my song Pain was actually inspired by it. Let me show you guys
[15:37 - 15:42] what song it was inspired by. I know a lot of people bag on me for this, but like
[15:42 - 16:25] this song is just, it's so good. I'm gonna find it here.
[16:25 - 16:33] Creativity starts with what ifs. Like what if it takes place in a white void?
[16:33 - 16:37] Like this song right here, like I know a lot of people bag on me for this, but
[16:37 - 16:41] this song right here, like when you really listen to it,
[16:41 - 16:47] like it, it definitely speaks a lot of volumes and there's a lot of
[16:47 - 16:56] dark, like there's a lot of like, I don't know how you put it, like there's a lot of
[16:56 - 17:02] like, darkest stuff to it and you know the dark
[17:02 - 17:06] subject matter is in this as well. It's actually one of my personal favorites
[17:06 - 17:16] and it's on one of my playlists too. So I'm gonna roll this back for you guys.
[17:48 - 17:53] We all follow the shape where do we go?
[17:53 - 17:57] Say it spit it out. What is it exactly?
[17:57 - 18:01] The pain is taking out cleaning you up and rest satisfying.
[18:01 - 18:09] Today I'm licking a book. Today I'm licking you down like I want to jump like
[18:09 - 18:12] Step on the glass. Stay with your tongue.
[18:12 - 18:16] Ah, very affront. Try to wake up.
[18:16 - 18:20] Ah, kind of a class. Come in the sun.
[18:20 - 18:22] Ah, very affront.
[18:23 - 18:34] You want to end me?
[18:42 - 18:46] Like you can definitely hear the dark subject matter in this song.
[18:46 - 18:49] It's so dark. It's so good.
[18:49 - 18:51] Why did you do this for me?
[18:51 - 18:57] When we all follow the shape where do we go?
[18:57 - 19:03] I gave you and without you expected me to make you my heart and make you a star
[19:03 - 19:07] and get you connected. Only two in the park.
[19:07 - 19:11] I'll become a collected but we know where we'll start.
[19:11 - 19:13] Let's jump from the park because I'm so expensive.
[19:13 - 19:17] It's probably something that shouldn't be said out loud.
[19:17 - 19:21] Honestly, I thought that I would be dead by now.
[19:21 - 19:25] Calling security, keeping my head held down.
[19:25 - 19:32] Buried the hatchet of every fund.
[19:32 - 19:36] Because I can't take it no more. I can't say no.
[19:36 - 19:45] And my limbs are falling, my soul.
[19:45 - 19:51] Step in the grass, step away from the light.
[19:51 - 20:05] Try to wake up. Ah, very affront.
[20:05 - 20:09] You can definitely hear the dark subject matter in that song.
[20:09 - 20:13] The video is very well done.
[20:13 - 20:19] Shout out to the guys that shot the music video for that song.
[20:19 - 20:21] I'm very impressed by the way I watched it.
[20:21 - 20:49] That video is so, so dark but so well done.
[20:49 - 20:53] Hey bro, shout out man. Here's the thing, dude.
[20:53 - 20:57] We're all strange in some way.
[20:57 - 21:04] You know, we all have that dark, strange side to us.
[21:04 - 21:09] And you know, I feel like that's what makes us all unique is, you know,
[21:09 - 21:13] we all have that side of us that, you know,
[21:13 - 21:17] we don't necessarily want to show people.
[21:17 - 21:21] Because we're afraid of how, you know, we're going to get judged.
[21:21 - 21:25] Essentially. And that's kind of, you know, what I love doing.
[21:25 - 21:30] Like, I love showing that side of me that, you know,
[21:30 - 21:35] no one else is willing to show themselves.
[21:35 - 21:41] You know, I want people to, you know, see, you know, the real me and who I am.
[21:41 - 21:45] Like, I'm not about being fake and this and that and the other.
[21:45 - 21:50] Like, you know, with me, I wanted to be, you know,
[21:50 - 21:55] what you see is what you get kind of deal.
[21:55 - 22:00] Like, you know, there's no, you know, there's no smoke and mirrors.
[22:00 - 22:06] There's no, you know, special effects or anything.
[22:06 - 22:11] Like with me, whenever I do a stream, it's like,
[22:11 - 22:17] with me, it's me, like, this is my room.
[22:17 - 22:19] This is where I lay my head down at night.
[22:19 - 22:22] This is where I record my music.
[22:22 - 22:25] This is where I fucking watch TV.
[22:25 - 22:27] This is where I play video games at.
[22:27 - 22:30] Like, this is me.
[22:30 - 22:33] Like, what more can I say?
[22:33 - 22:40] Like, what else can I say?
[22:40 - 22:46] Like, on me, like, right there behind me,
[22:46 - 22:47] I don't know what y'all feel.
[22:47 - 22:50] Right there behind me is my freaking bed.
[22:50 - 22:54] And right there is my TV with my Xbox right behind it.
[22:54 - 22:57] Like, here's my fucking Xbox controller.
[22:57 - 23:01] Like, hell, my closet's right behind me back there.
[23:01 - 23:04] Like, back there.
[23:04 - 23:10] Like, that's, like, hell, back over behind you guys
[23:10 - 23:14] is a freaking Rosario vampire anime wall scroll
[23:14 - 23:16] that a fan sent there.
[23:16 - 23:22] Like, yeah.
[23:22 - 23:23] All right.
[23:23 - 23:32] That was y'all hanging out, and I was like,
[23:32 - 23:34] this is another part of being normal.
[23:34 - 23:35] Helping the family out.
[23:35 - 23:37] This just shows how normal I am.
[23:37 - 26:54] Hey, what's up, guys?
[26:54 - 27:02] I'm back.
[27:02 - 27:08] Let's see what crazy shit I'm going on here.
[27:08 - 27:10] Thanks, Brooks.
[27:10 - 27:12] I'm not saying that to be self-centered,
[27:12 - 27:18] but you are speaking fast.
[27:18 - 27:22] But, you know, me doing this, like, you guys just saw me
[27:22 - 27:24] going down to help my family.
[27:24 - 27:29] That's just, that's a part of everyday life.
[27:29 - 27:38] Like, you know, and if I can help someone, you know,
[27:38 - 27:43] like literally the description of my channel says it all.
[27:43 - 27:46] Like, if you go to my about section,
[27:46 - 27:49] it literally says it all right there.
[27:49 - 27:55] Like, you know, if I can help someone through whatever
[27:55 - 27:58] they're going through, whether, you know,
[27:58 - 28:02] it's helping them through a hard time using my music,
[28:02 - 28:06] or, you know, just hanging out and talking to them,
[28:06 - 28:11] or, you know, whether it's a fan out in public and shit,
[28:11 - 28:14] and, like, they want to talk to me.
[28:14 - 28:16] Like, I'm that guy that will sit down
[28:16 - 28:18] and talk for hours on end.
[28:18 - 28:21] Don't mind.
[28:21 - 28:23] Like, I love the fans.
[28:23 - 28:25] Like, I love helping people.
[28:25 - 28:29] And if I can help someone through hard times,
[28:29 - 28:33] you know, utilizing my music, then so be it.
[28:33 - 28:36] Like, I'll continue to do it.
[28:36 - 28:39] Like, you know, I know a lot of people hate my music
[28:39 - 28:43] because of, you know, who I am and all the stuff that,
[28:43 - 28:48] you know, the dumb shit that I went through and whatnot.
[28:48 - 28:52] And I get it, you know?
[28:52 - 29:00] But outside of that, I'm a normal human being, you know?
[29:00 - 29:03] Like, I'm that dude that will sleep.
[29:03 - 29:07] Like, I'm the kind of person that will literally sleep in
[29:07 - 29:10] until 12 in the afternoon.
[29:10 - 29:13] Like, I will stay up all night, Friday night,
[29:13 - 29:16] sleep until noon Saturday,
[29:16 - 29:19] and the entire time while I'm sleeping in,
[29:19 - 29:23] I just fucking lay there and watch TV and just sleep
[29:23 - 29:28] and fucking kind of love me like fuck the world.
[29:28 - 29:30] Like, I'm sleeping.
[29:30 - 29:32] Like, that's me.
[29:32 - 29:34] Like, I haven't changed since I was a kid
[29:34 - 29:36] and I don't plan on doing that now.
[29:36 - 29:39] Like, that's who I am.
[29:39 - 29:43] Like, you know, I want to be able to help people
[29:43 - 29:46] and, you know, I want to be able to be,
[29:46 - 29:48] you know, successful with my music.
[29:48 - 29:54] But for me, if I can help someone
[29:54 - 29:57] through their problems using my music,
[29:57 - 30:00] like if my music can help you in just one person,
[30:00 - 30:04] if any of my songs can help you in just one person,
[30:04 - 30:08] then I've succeeded.
[30:08 - 30:09] I've done my job.
[30:09 - 30:16] Like, that to me is more of a success
[30:16 - 30:20] than getting signed to a major label
[30:20 - 30:25] that will probably only fucking last for so long.
[30:25 - 30:32] Like, I want my music to be able to be remembered.
[30:32 - 30:35] Like, I want my music to be able to, you know,
[30:35 - 30:37] reach out and help people and stuff.
[30:37 - 30:41] For, you know, that kid that, you know, gets bullied
[30:41 - 30:44] or, you know, that girl that, you know,
[30:44 - 30:46] cuts herself because she's depressed
[30:46 - 30:51] because of, you know, what these people say about her, like,
[30:51 - 30:53] those are the people that I do it for,
[30:53 - 30:57] the outcasts, the underdogs, the people that,
[30:57 - 30:59] the people like myself, like those are the ones
[30:59 - 31:03] that I do it for.
[31:03 - 31:06] Because I know what it's like to be
[31:06 - 31:10] in those fucked up positions
[31:10 - 31:16] and it's not fun and it's never easy.
[31:16 - 31:19] But if I can help someone through that,
[31:19 - 31:22] utilizing whatever I can,
[31:22 - 31:30] then I'm gonna do it.
[31:30 - 31:33] Like, I love what I do.
[31:33 - 31:36] Like, I love the fact that, you know,
[31:36 - 31:39] I get the chance to, you know, make my music
[31:39 - 31:42] and create music that, you know, speaks to people.
[31:42 - 31:45] And, you know, it actually shows
[31:45 - 31:47] my vulnerable side.
[31:47 - 31:50] It shows, you know, who I truly am.
[31:50 - 31:52] And I know a lot of people say,
[31:52 - 31:54] no, you have to address it in a way.
[31:54 - 31:57] No, you don't.
[31:57 - 31:59] Like, I'm me.
[31:59 - 32:02] Like, I'm not gonna change who I am for,
[32:02 - 32:04] you know, the TV cameras.
[32:04 - 32:07] I'm not gonna change who I am.
[32:07 - 32:11] Even if I get signed to a major fucking record label,
[32:11 - 32:14] like, I'm still just gonna be me.
[32:14 - 32:16] Like, I'm not gonna, you know,
[32:16 - 32:19] change just because I have, you know,
[32:19 - 32:21] a million dollars to my name.
[32:21 - 32:24] That million dollars, that don't mean shit.
[32:24 - 32:28] I mean, it does financial wise,
[32:28 - 32:31] but in the long run,
[32:31 - 32:33] what does a million dollars do?
[32:33 - 32:38] Like, I can't take a million dollars with me to my grave.
[32:38 - 32:43] You know, like, I can't, you know,
[32:43 - 32:46] when I die, I'm not gonna be able to take
[32:46 - 32:51] that million dollars with me.
[32:51 - 32:54] But the one thing I will be able to take to my grave
[32:54 - 32:59] is the memory knowing that, you know,
[32:59 - 33:01] my music has touched someone
[33:01 - 33:05] and helped someone in some way, shape, or form.
[33:05 - 33:08] You know, when I look back on my life,
[33:08 - 33:12] when I'm on my deathbed and I look back on my life,
[33:12 - 33:14] I wanna be able to be that guy that says,
[33:14 - 33:17] hey, I helped someone.
[33:17 - 33:19] I did something with my life.
[33:19 - 33:21] I was successful with my life.
[33:21 - 33:24] I was able to help people.
[33:24 - 33:26] I was able to do this and this.
[33:26 - 33:28] Like, that's what I want.
[33:28 - 33:36] Now, if, you know, my music just happens to, you know,
[33:36 - 33:38] reach out and make me money,
[33:38 - 33:40] hey, I'm happy with that.
[33:40 - 33:43] I mean, that'd be awesome.
[33:43 - 33:44] I'm not saying it wouldn't,
[33:44 - 33:49] but that would be pretty fucking awesome.
[33:49 - 33:50] But at the same time,
[33:50 - 33:54] money isn't the most important thing in the world to me.
[33:54 - 33:57] To me, helping someone and being there
[33:57 - 34:00] and being a genuinely good person,
[34:00 - 34:05] that's what's important to me.
[34:05 - 34:08] Like I said, yes, I'm like,
[34:08 - 34:11] matter of fact, just like my description,
[34:11 - 34:15] just like the description of what Chanel says,
[34:15 - 34:17] yes, I may be broken.
[34:17 - 34:23] Yes, I may have had a lot of rough stuff happening to me.
[34:23 - 34:29] But at the end of the day,
[34:29 - 34:31] I'm just like everyone else.
[34:32 - 34:41] You know, I'm human just like you guys.
[34:41 - 34:45] Like, I like hanging out with my friends and my family
[34:45 - 34:49] and sleeping in and going to the beach
[34:49 - 34:51] and going for walks.
[34:51 - 34:53] Like, I'm that guy.
[34:53 - 34:54] Like, I'm normal.
[34:54 - 34:57] I have stuff that I enjoy doing as well.
[34:57 - 35:00] Like hell, yesterday I spent half the day playing big
[35:00 - 35:03] and I know y'all are going to think I'm all this shit
[35:03 - 35:05] but that's because I am.
[35:05 - 35:09] I spent half the day yesterday playing crazy taxi
[35:09 - 35:12] for the first time so I was like 10 years old.
[35:12 - 35:15] Like the last time I played crazy taxi,
[35:15 - 35:19] I was in a freaking arcade.
[35:19 - 35:26] Like, you know, it felt good to just, you know,
[35:26 - 35:28] to just do shit
[35:28 - 35:31] and to just do stuff with my friends and like,
[35:31 - 35:33] I'm that guy.
[35:33 - 35:35] Like, I might not be perfect.
[35:35 - 35:36] That may be true.
[35:36 - 35:38] I am far from perfect.
[35:38 - 35:40] I don't claim to be perfect.
[35:40 - 35:41] I'm not perfect.
[35:41 - 35:42] I'm broken.
[35:42 - 35:44] I'm shattered into
[35:44 - 35:49] 50 million fucking pieces that are scattered all over
[35:49 - 35:50] the place.
[35:50 - 35:54] But at the end of the day, I'm still human.
[35:54 - 35:56] You know, I'm just like everyone else.
[35:56 - 35:58] I'm a human being.
[35:58 - 36:01] You know, and there's not anything
[36:01 - 36:04] that's going to change that.
[36:04 - 36:17] Like that, with me, you know, like I said,
[36:17 - 36:20] I don't do the whole smoking mirror things.
[36:20 - 36:27] Like, I don't do that shit.
[36:27 - 36:31] Like, I don't, you know, put on an act for the fans
[36:31 - 36:34] or, you know, I don't, you know,
[36:34 - 36:37] pretend to be a total nice guy
[36:37 - 36:40] but then a jackass behind the scenes.
[36:40 - 36:43] Like, that's not me.
[36:43 - 36:47] Like, how I am in real life is how I am on here.
[36:47 - 36:51] Like, I'm a genuinely good person
[36:51 - 36:56] and I've, you know, dealt with a lot of hard shit
[36:56 - 36:59] and it's not been easy.
[36:59 - 37:08] You know, especially, especially with, you know,
[37:08 - 37:10] me losing my best friend Sean.
[37:10 - 37:13] That shit, that hurts even still.
[37:13 - 37:16] Even right now, as I'm talking about it,
[37:16 - 37:20] that shit's still going through my mind.
[37:20 - 37:24] Like, I'm wondering, like, you know, why didn't he,
[37:24 - 37:27] you know, call me?
[37:27 - 37:29] Like, what happened?
[37:29 - 37:30] What did I do this time?
[37:30 - 37:36] The other, like, all that still is replaying in my mind.
[37:36 - 37:43] It hurts.
[37:43 - 37:44] It really does.
[37:44 - 37:49] Like, knowing that I lost a very dear friend to me
[37:49 - 37:53] due to unwanted drama that I never asked for
[37:53 - 37:55] to begin with.
[37:55 - 38:01] Like, I never asked for the bender boys to do a fake contract
[38:01 - 38:06] and they were asked to be dragged into this troll community.
[38:06 - 38:11] I kind of got forced into it in a sense
[38:11 - 38:13] and I never wanted any part of it.
[38:13 - 38:23] You know, I've been trying like hell ever since
[38:23 - 38:25] to get out of that community
[38:25 - 38:28] and get back to doing what I need to be doing,
[38:28 - 38:29] which is my music.
[38:29 - 38:46] Hey guys, something.
[38:46 - 38:53] A lot of people might not think that it's a long time
[38:53 - 38:55] but if you really think about it, it is.
[38:55 - 39:11] The last time I was ever truly, truly normal,
[39:11 - 39:15] like, in the sense of, you know,
[39:15 - 39:21] in the normal, in the sense of, you know,
[39:21 - 39:24] not being in the public eye.
[39:24 - 39:28] Like, in the sense of, you know,
[39:28 - 39:30] still being in high school,
[39:30 - 39:34] not being in the eye of the public all the time
[39:34 - 39:37] and, you know, being judged on every little thing I do.
[39:37 - 39:41] The last time I was that kind of normal
[39:41 - 39:44] before all that, I was 16 years old.
[39:44 - 39:48] I was in high school.
[39:48 - 39:51] Okay, I was at those, I was at that age
[39:51 - 39:55] where I was being a rebellious little, no offense,
[39:55 - 39:58] but I was being a rebellious little jackass.
[39:58 - 40:14] I'll be honest, I was being a rebellious little shithead.
[40:14 - 40:15] That was me.
[40:15 - 40:16] I was that kid.
[40:16 - 40:18] I went through that phase, you know.
[40:18 - 40:22] I was still trying to figure out, you know,
[40:22 - 40:24] what I wanted to do with my life.
[40:24 - 40:25] What was I going to do?
[40:25 - 40:28] Like, hell, at that time,
[40:28 - 40:32] I think I was more focused on frickin' anime
[40:32 - 40:40] and manga, like, more than I was worried about
[40:40 - 40:41] what am I going to do with my life.
[40:41 - 40:44] Like, I was more preoccupied with
[40:44 - 40:47] reading the latest issue of
[40:47 - 40:49] Shonen Jump Magazine
[40:49 - 40:53] or Shoujo Beat and, you know,
[40:53 - 40:57] frickin' watching the latest episode of Naruto
[40:57 - 40:58] on Saturday nights.
[40:58 - 41:00] Like, I was that kid.
[41:00 - 41:02] I was more worried about that shit.
[41:02 - 41:04] I was more worried about that than I was about,
[41:04 - 41:07] hey, what am I going to do for the rest of my life?
[41:07 - 41:13] Like, that really was the last time I was actually normal.
[41:13 - 41:21] And, you know, yesterday was nice, actually, you know.
[41:21 - 41:25] I actually got to sit down, be normal, hell.
[41:25 - 41:29] I frickin' binge-watched half the frickin'
[41:29 - 41:32] first season of the original series of Yu-Gi-Oh!
[41:32 - 41:34] on frickin' YouTube.
[41:34 - 41:37] Like, I sat down and watched that for the first time
[41:37 - 41:40] and got no time in years.
[41:40 - 41:48] Like, hell, I started watching the original,
[41:48 - 41:51] like, dude, I started frickin' watching
[41:51 - 41:53] the anime version of Supernatural.
[41:53 - 41:57] And I didn't even know Supernatural had an anime series.
[41:57 - 42:01] And I started watching it and it's pretty good.
[42:01 - 42:05] Not gonna lie, the anime series of Supernatural, phenomenal.
[42:05 - 42:10] Highly recommended for anybody out there that's into anime.
[42:10 - 42:13] Definitely watched the anime version of Supernatural.
[42:13 - 42:15] It was very good.
[42:15 - 42:17] Especially the first two episodes.
[42:17 - 42:20] I dug deep in with it. It was very good.
[42:20 - 42:27] But, like, it seems like now that I'm in the public eye,
[42:27 - 42:29] like, I can't even catch a break.
[42:29 - 42:34] And honestly, I just want to be me.
[42:34 - 42:41] Like, you know, I want to be that crazy dorky weirdo
[42:41 - 42:46] me that, you know, I was before I got drugged into all this
[42:46 - 42:49] and that's what I'm going to be.
[42:49 - 42:54] And no one, like, certain people don't like that.
[42:54 - 43:02] Hey, that's not my problem.
[43:02 - 43:06] Like, you know, I am, you know, who I am.
[43:06 - 43:10] And, you know, whether I have genuine fans or, you know,
[43:10 - 43:14] people that just, you know, like to watch me
[43:14 - 43:17] for the entertainment value, hey.
[43:17 - 43:23] It is what it is.
[43:23 - 43:25] Now, don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful
[43:25 - 43:28] for the genuine fans that I do have.
[43:28 - 43:32] I'm very grateful to that.
[43:32 - 43:35] Like, hell, if I ever saw any, like, dude,
[43:35 - 43:39] if I ever saw any fans in public, like, I would be that dude
[43:39 - 43:42] that would run up and hug the living shit out of him.
[43:42 - 43:45] Like, I would be that dude.
[43:45 - 43:51] Like, like, that's the me.
[43:51 - 43:55] Like, I'm the kind of person that when I see a fan in public,
[43:55 - 44:00] like, I automatically just, you know, I just automatically
[44:00 - 44:03] want to spend time with them and hang out with them
[44:03 - 44:05] and, you know, get to know them.
[44:05 - 44:10] Like, that's who I am.
[44:10 - 44:12] Like, that's me.
[44:12 - 44:20] Like, you know, that's just me as a person.
[44:20 - 44:28] Like, I put out maybe non-counting.
[44:28 - 44:31] Well, I guess you could count my very first music video
[44:31 - 44:34] that I did in my own voices in my head.
[44:35 - 44:41] I did that and behind these walls back in 2010,
[44:41 - 44:46] which I still don't know what happened to that music video
[44:46 - 44:47] from behind these walls.
[44:47 - 44:51] So that was probably one of my best music videos
[44:51 - 44:55] that I've ever gotten hands down.
[44:55 - 45:00] But in my whole life of doing music,
[45:00 - 45:02] I've only done, I think, like,
[45:02 - 45:04] two or three music videos.
[45:04 - 45:08] Like, most of my music has just been straight audio.
[45:08 - 45:11] I've not done any music videos or anything.
[45:11 - 45:14] Even though I probably should,
[45:14 - 45:17] but I'm just not the kind of guy who do music videos.
[45:17 - 45:19] Like, if somebody wants to come down
[45:19 - 45:21] and shoot a music video with me,
[45:21 - 45:24] shit, I'm gay and I'm down.
[45:24 - 45:31] But, like, you know,
[45:31 - 45:35] I'm the kind of person that likes to put out music.
[45:35 - 45:38] I could care less about a music video.
[45:38 - 45:42] Like, as long as my music gets out there,
[45:42 - 45:53] that's what I truly care about.
[45:53 - 45:56] Like, you know?
[45:56 - 46:05] Like, I would rather spend more time, you know,
[46:05 - 46:08] putting out music than, like,
[46:08 - 46:09] and don't get me wrong,
[46:09 - 46:11] I get that, you know, putting out music videos
[46:11 - 46:13] is important and it is.
[46:13 - 46:14] It really is.
[46:14 - 46:22] And I do eventually want to put out a music video.
[46:22 - 46:27] But for me, like,
[46:27 - 46:31] putting out songs that help people
[46:31 - 46:37] is not far outweighs, you know,
[46:37 - 46:44] a music video that I can shoot in, like, ten minutes.
[46:44 - 47:51] But this gay, you know?
[47:51 - 47:54] America, let me play you guys another song
[47:54 - 47:57] that I know you guys will actually recognize
[47:57 - 47:59] this one of.
[47:59 - 48:30] That kind of inspired the song, kind of.
[48:30 - 48:33] You guys will recognize this guy.
[49:31 - 50:43] This one right here, which this one right here,
[50:43 - 50:57] I absolutely love.
[50:57 - 51:01] Like, this one right here is like the main one,
[51:01 - 51:04] besides from that song by Billie Eilish,
[51:04 - 51:05] I'll show you guys.
[51:05 - 51:06] This is like the main one,
[51:06 - 51:09] which I'll actually show you guys the music video for.
[51:09 - 51:11] This is like the second main one
[51:11 - 51:14] that actually inspired that song.
[51:14 - 51:16] I think one of you guys...
[51:22 - 51:24] I'm going to put this back in.
[51:24 - 51:26] We're going to record?
[51:26 - 51:31] Okay.
[51:31 - 51:39] We're going to put that back.
[51:49 - 51:51] Let's go.
[52:19 - 52:22] Without an expression, nothing ever gets finished
[52:22 - 52:31] if these ones make it to your end.
[52:56 - 52:58] Now, I do want to show you guys something, really.
[52:58 - 53:04] Quite interesting.
[54:13 - 55:45] Now, I do want to show you guys
[55:45 - 55:48] something really quick that I actually care about.
[55:48 - 55:51] That actually spoke to me in a huge way.
[55:51 - 56:11] At a certain point, I realized,
[56:11 - 56:13] hey, wait a second.
[56:13 - 56:16] If it's so easy to lose Jim Carrey, who the hell is Jim Carrey?
[56:16 - 56:20] We don't matter.
[56:20 - 56:25] Backward, why don't we just...
[56:25 - 56:27] It was more like you're supposed to say,
[56:27 - 56:29] you know, we're important.
[56:29 - 56:32] You're supposed to say, it's all going to be all right.
[56:32 - 56:35] And you're supposed to say that, you know,
[56:35 - 56:37] whatever you dream can come true.
[56:37 - 56:39] And you're supposed to say all those things.
[56:39 - 56:42] I do believe in manifestation, power of that kind of stuff.
[56:42 - 56:46] But I don't believe that any of it matters, you know?
[56:46 - 56:51] This mattering is, to me, a human construct
[56:51 - 56:53] born out of a need.
[56:53 - 56:55] The same need is you have to have, you know,
[56:55 - 56:57] deities and things like that.
[56:57 - 56:59] I believe in an energy of God,
[56:59 - 57:02] an energy of, you know, everything is divine.
[57:02 - 57:05] You know, there's no thing that isn't divine.
[57:05 - 57:08] Everything is divine, and I'm that.
[57:08 - 57:11] And it doesn't matter to me what's happening.
[57:11 - 57:15] I'm finding that, ultimately, the freedom from it is
[57:15 - 57:19] something people are kind of hungry for.
[57:19 - 57:21] They're like, I don't want to be me either.
[57:21 - 57:25] And I go, oh, great, because you never had been.
[57:25 - 57:35] I believe that I had to become a famous, you know, idea
[57:35 - 57:38] and get all the stuff that people dream about
[57:38 - 57:45] and accomplish a bunch of things that look like success
[57:45 - 57:49] in order to give up my attachment to those things.
[57:49 - 57:51] It's been a part of the evolution.
[57:51 - 57:57] Ego is to spend your first half of your life
[57:57 - 58:01] acquiring and thinking you can add to yourself.
[58:01 - 58:03] And it looks great.
[58:03 - 58:06] I mean, it looks great when you got a cool car
[58:06 - 58:09] and you got nice clothes and, you know,
[58:09 - 58:12] and you've done something that people admire.
[58:12 - 58:15] But it can never be fulfilled.
[58:15 - 58:16] You can never be happy.
[58:16 - 58:19] You know, I mean, it's not what we're happy in this country from.
[58:19 - 58:22] And, you know, I dealt with depression, you know,
[58:22 - 58:25] a few years ago, and people still think,
[58:25 - 58:27] well, he's going through, you can tell, he's depressed.
[58:27 - 58:30] It's not, I haven't.
[58:30 - 58:31] Literally none.
[58:31 - 58:36] I have sadness and joy and relation
[58:36 - 58:41] and satisfaction and gratitude beyond belief.
[58:41 - 58:42] But all of it is wonder.
[58:42 - 58:44] And it just spins around the planet, you know.
[58:44 - 58:48] It's not heaven-seeing enough to jump to happy places
[58:48 - 58:50] realizing that you're living.
[58:50 - 58:55] And that there's no real you fall in the first place.
[58:55 - 58:59] You know, it's a weird little semantic jump
[58:59 - 59:01] that I think where it sounds like,
[59:01 - 59:04] well, that's totally fucking threatening me.
[59:04 - 59:06] I can't not be me.
[59:06 - 59:08] I built this construct.
[59:08 - 59:10] And it's just ideas.
[59:10 - 59:12] They're just ideas, you know.
[59:12 - 59:15] The only thing that separates you from an African-American
[59:15 - 59:19] or an African-Canadian is an idea, you know.
[59:19 - 59:22] And the weather, the adaption to the climate
[59:22 - 59:26] and whatever it is, I don't believe in any of it.
[59:26 - 59:33] And so the feeling of wholeness
[59:33 - 59:38] is a different feeling than meanness.
[59:38 - 59:41] They're all characters that I played,
[59:41 - 59:44] including Jim Carrey, including Joe Barish,
[59:44 - 59:46] including any of those things.
[59:46 - 59:48] They're all characters.
[59:48 - 59:51] Jim Carrey was a less intentional character
[59:51 - 59:54] because I thought I was just building something
[59:54 - 59:57] that people would like, but it was a character.
[59:57 - 60:01] So I played the guy that was free from concern
[60:01 - 60:05] so that people who watched me would be free from concern.
[60:05 - 60:07] And at a certain point you go like,
[60:07 - 60:10] okay, well, that's great.
[60:10 - 60:12] It's like the one thing,
[60:12 - 60:14] people talk about depression all the time,
[60:14 - 60:16] the difference between depression and sadness.
[60:16 - 60:19] Sadness is just from happenstance,
[60:19 - 60:22] whatever happened or didn't happen for you
[60:22 - 60:25] or grief or whatever it is.
[60:25 - 60:28] Depression is your body saying,
[60:28 - 60:32] fuck you, I don't want to be this character anymore.
[60:32 - 60:36] I don't want to hold up this avatar that you've created
[60:36 - 60:39] in the world that's too much for me.
[60:39 - 60:44] You should think of a word of depressed as deep rest.
[60:44 - 60:47] Deep rest, your body needs to be depressed.
[60:47 - 60:50] It needs deep rest from the character
[60:50 - 60:53] that you've been trying to play.
[60:53 - 60:55] I'm a great powerful boss.
[60:55 - 60:57] I'm a great powerful boss.
[60:57 - 60:59] Oh, there you go, there you go.
[60:59 - 61:03] And you're just the sweaty guy behind the curtain.
[61:03 - 61:06] It's an amazing metaphor.