2021-7-27 why my Mental health is screwed up and how it got this way

[0:00 - 0:31] (scissors snipping)
[0:31 - 0:49] First off, I want to apologize for the way that I acted in the last two streams.
[0:49 - 1:09] This stuff I did was not cool, but there's a lot more going on than you guys seem to think.
[1:09 - 1:30] As you guys are probably already aware, four months ago my life changed forever.
[1:30 - 1:50] Four months ago my life went from a normal life to a living breathing never ending nightmare
[1:50 - 2:10] quite literally in every sense of the word.
[2:10 - 2:25] And over those four months I've had so much happen to me, stuff that you guys can't even begin to fathom
[2:25 - 2:34] of what it's done to me mentally, what it's done to my family
[2:34 - 2:40] and how it's affected my everyday life.
[2:40 - 2:49] Four months ago I was entrapped and I felt virtual that I shouldn't have.
[2:49 - 2:58] And ever since then I have been bullied, I have been harassed,
[2:58 - 3:04] my family's lives have been threatened many times.
[3:04 - 3:24] We've had haters of mine come up to our house and try to kill me.
[3:24 - 3:51] Or you've had to call the police numerous times to have these people that have tried to kill me escorted away.
[3:51 - 4:02] Now imagine all of that, imagine going through all of that
[4:02 - 4:18] and then during that four months finding out that the love of your life that was supposed to be your wife passed away a year prior.
[4:18 - 4:25] And then having to deal with that on top of what's already going on
[4:25 - 4:32] and then having to deal with people bullying you every time you do a live stream.
[4:32 - 4:38] That has been my life every day for the last four months.
[4:38 - 4:43] And it's not just Kate, it's several people.
[4:43 - 4:52] People like Ruhr Research, people like Tonic and Sales,
[4:52 - 5:06] people that just genuinely don't like me for whatever reason.
[5:06 - 5:17] Imagine reading negative comments for four months straight and trying to ignore them.
[5:17 - 5:26] Imagine wrongfully being called a pedophile and trying to ignore it day in and day out, day in and day out,
[5:26 - 5:36] all while you're trying to make a life for yourself doing what you enjoy doing.
[5:36 - 5:40] Imagine fighting to do something that you want to do.
[5:40 - 5:47] Imagine that you want to do poetry for a living or you want to do art for a living.
[5:47 - 5:57] And you work every day for that and you put out your own merchandise shop and you make some good sales off of it.
[5:57 - 6:04] And then people come in and continuously shut you down and take that shit away from you.
[6:04 - 6:13] Imagine people making merchandise with your face on it without your permission or knowledge.
[6:13 - 6:20] Imagine people doing that to you and then making a site like Kiwi Farms
[6:20 - 6:35] and just completely humiliating and dehumanizing and belittling you every day for four months.
[6:35 - 6:40] That is what I've dealt with.
[6:40 - 6:49] And, you know, at first it was easy to ignore.
[6:49 - 7:08] At first it was fairly easy to ignore.
[7:08 - 7:11] No, it didn't. I don't think it did.
[7:11 - 7:13] Toxic.
[7:13 - 7:18] Send me a DM of the t-shirt on...
[7:18 - 7:24] Send me a photo of the t-shirt on Discord.
[7:24 - 7:48] [Silence]
[7:48 - 7:59] Like this is the kind of stuff that I've dealt with every day.
[7:59 - 8:13] [Silence]
[8:13 - 8:34] You know, this is the kind of harassment and torture that I have been subjected to.
[8:34 - 8:42] This is the kind of torture and hatred that I have been subjected to.
[8:42 - 8:47] And not just me, but my family as well.
[8:47 - 8:56] [Silence]
[8:56 - 9:06] Because of all this, I've gotten to the point to where it's hard for me to sleep at night.
[9:06 - 9:09] I'm barely asleep.
[9:09 - 9:22] I'm lucky if I'm able to keep anything down because I'm always so depressed and so upset.
[9:22 - 9:31] I've not done things that I used to do, that I used to enjoy doing.
[9:31 - 9:36] Well, yes, I may look okay.
[9:36 - 9:42] But let me tell you right now, I'm far from it.
[9:42 - 9:47] I am far from okay.
[9:47 - 9:54] My reputation as a good person has been ruined.
[9:54 - 10:04] All because people want to bully me for no reason except to use me for content.
[10:04 - 10:10] To people here on YouTube, that's all I am to them is content.
[10:10 - 10:18] To these people that use me, that's all I'm good for is content.
[10:18 - 10:21] And do I like lashing out and getting angry like I did?
[10:21 - 10:33] No, I don't. I hate it.
[10:33 - 10:40] But when I'm constantly attacked, imagine this, okay?
[10:40 - 10:47] Imagine being constantly attacked every day of your life.
[10:47 - 11:04] Harassed by phone, by mail, by, you know, comments, by Facebook, by YouTube, by every social media outlet.
[11:04 - 11:10] Imagine having to deal with all that every day, nonstop.
[11:10 - 11:13] That's what I've dealt with.
[11:13 - 11:22] And not just from people like Juggalo972, from all her little followers and fans,
[11:22 - 11:35] and people like Rumor Research, and the Bender Boys, and all these different people.
[11:35 - 11:55] And I know that everybody keeps telling me to ignore them, but it's hard to deal with that kind of shit on a daily basis the way that I do.
[11:55 - 12:12] It's very hard to ignore. And when you deal with it so much, on a daily basis, there are days where I don't even want to get out of bed.
[12:12 - 12:23] There are days where I literally have to force myself, and I do mean literally force myself out of bed.
[12:23 - 12:33] Because I am so depressed and so drained from all this bullshit.
[12:33 - 12:51] There are days where I'm barely even able to keep anything down because I'm so sick of my stomach, that I can barely keep anything down without fucking puking.
[12:51 - 12:55] That's how bad it truly is.
[12:55 - 13:06] If you take a look at me before all this, you know, take a look at me back in 2011, 2012, I was great.
[13:06 - 13:14] But now my health has gone down so bad that it's hard for me to get out of bed.
[13:14 - 13:22] It is truly hard for me to even get out of bed anymore.
[13:22 - 13:27] Half the time I don't even want to do anything anymore.
[13:27 - 13:40] Because I know that the minute that I do do something that I love, it's just going to get taken away from me for no reason.
[13:40 - 13:49] Imagine waking up, forcing yourself out of bed to do what you love for your family.
[13:49 - 13:58] And then go into your comments section on your channel, and seeing nothing but bullying and hatred.
[13:58 - 14:10] Every day, being called pedophile, day in and day out, day in and day out, every single day of the week.
[14:10 - 14:19] Imagine having videos being made of you that are not funny but are bashing on you and belittling you.
[14:19 - 14:27] And making you feel like such shit to the point where you want to end your life.
[14:27 - 14:36] At one point, I did try to end my life on Kate's livestream twice in a row.
[14:36 - 14:45] Once it was on Marty's channel, with her there, and then the other was directly on Kate's channel.
[14:45 - 14:53] Twice in a row I tried to end my life because of her.
[14:53 - 14:58] And I'm not the only one that has done this.
[14:58 - 15:05] If you go back on her channel and you look at all the people that she's victimized,
[15:05 - 15:15] all the people that people like Tonic and Rumor have victimized,
[15:15 - 15:20] people like Rustic Angel have victimized.
[15:20 - 15:31] There are a lot of fucking people that have tried to end their lives or have ended their lives because of this bullying.
[15:31 - 15:42] That's what I deal with on a daily basis, and it's not easy.
[15:42 - 15:51] Believe me, I wish it was easy to ignore this, but when you get put through this so much for four months straight,
[15:51 - 15:55] it becomes very hard to ignore.
[15:55 - 16:05] Especially when it costs you your job, your biological father his job, and it almost costs your step that his job.
[16:05 - 16:13] Because of Kate and her friends, I lost my job. My biological father lost his.
[16:13 - 16:20] I was an audio engineer from my friend Enoch and his gaming company.
[16:20 - 16:36] Making $150 per demo, which is like $150 a week, if not every other day, because of the amount of work that I was putting in.
[16:36 - 16:44] I had a great job. Everything was going great for me. Things were starting to look up.
[16:44 - 16:46] And then what happened?
[16:46 - 16:56] Kate and her little friends decided to get on Facebook, attack my friends and family,
[16:56 - 17:01] and cost me my job with my best friend.
[17:01 - 17:07] To the point to where now they don't want me at all.
[17:07 - 17:17] I've lost friends because of this. I've got family members that won't even speak to me anymore because of this.
[17:17 - 17:29] Anymore is very hard for me to even get a job because of the things that Kate has done to me.
[17:29 - 17:43] My biological father was very lucky that he managed to get another job after what she did.
[17:43 - 17:52] I can't even get a job, a regular nine to five job because of Kate now.
[17:52 - 18:03] So I have to make do with what I have at my disposal. I have to make do with my art work and my poetry and stuff that I'm good at.
[18:03 - 18:16] I have to fight now. Now I'm going to have to try to fight just to get my licensing to do caretaking full time for the state after my step father's surgery.
[18:16 - 18:21] After my stepdad's surgery here next month, I'm going to have to fight to try to get my license.
[18:21 - 18:33] And I do me a fight because I know what Kate's going to try to do.
[18:33 - 18:40] And people think that it's easy to just ignore.
[18:40 - 18:49] But imagine living in my shoes for four months or even a day.
[18:49 - 19:14] Put yourself in my shoes for one day and see how easy it is. Because it's not. And on top of that, I have people fighting over me and I'm literally fighting over me every fucking day of the week.
[19:14 - 19:23] People coming in and telling me that they own me and trying to lay claim to my channel and lay claim to me and this and that and the other.
[19:23 - 19:29] I'm tired of it.
[19:29 - 19:41] So you may have seen this movie. If any of you have ever seen the movie Cyber Bully, that movie literally is my life every day.
[19:41 - 19:54] Every day of the week, that is my life.
[19:54 - 20:16] I've been scrutinized, outcasted, blacklisted, all for what? A few laughs.
[20:16 - 20:25] And this is what I meant earlier when I said if people would just give me a chance, I could do good things.
[20:25 - 20:30] But instead, nobody wants to let me do anything.
[20:30 - 20:54] And I don't understand why. Why must you hang on to the past of what I did? Why must you hang on to what I did?
[20:54 - 21:05] Why can't you take a look at what Kate's done? Take a look at the hundreds of people that she's victimized over those years.
[21:05 - 21:13] This entire time, she's victimized hundreds of people.
[21:13 - 21:34] So I don't understand why focus on me. I don't understand it.
[21:34 - 21:49] Every night when I go to sleep, not only do I cry myself to sleep silently because of everything.
[21:49 - 21:59] But when I go to sleep, I just don't go to sleep. I go to war with my demons every night.
[21:59 - 22:18] Every night I have to face my demons. I have to face the comments that people have left, and they replay over and over in my head every night.
[22:18 - 22:35] That has been my life for the last four months.
[22:35 - 22:48] And people think that it's easy to deal with, that it could just up and disappear. And believe me, I wish it could just up and disappear.
[22:48 - 22:56] Because to be honest, you guys don't know how bad I want my life back.
[22:56 - 23:04] You don't know how bad I want my life back before people started trolling me and attacking me.
[23:04 - 23:11] I want to be the person that I once was back in 2009 when I first started.
[23:11 - 23:15] When I first started, I was a good person.
[23:15 - 23:29] Hell, ask Chuck, he can tell you. Chuck was there when I uploaded my first video.
[23:29 - 23:36] Chuck saw my very first video, which is a video I made for my best friend David after he had passed.
[23:36 - 23:43] That day after my best friend David's passing is when I started my channel.
[23:43 - 23:48] May 2, 2009 is when I started my channel.
[23:48 - 24:05] My very first channel and my first video was a memorial video to my best friend David who had passed away 24 hours prior due to a drowning accident.
[24:05 - 24:27] But after that video, I began to upload really cool videos, videos of myself just having fun, doing AMVs, being myself, just having a good time.
[24:27 - 24:33] That's what I did before all of this started.
[24:33 - 24:43] And the one thing I still cannot figure out is, why did I get drug into this fucking battle?
[24:43 - 24:49] Like, why did I have to be the one to get drug into this fucking war?
[24:49 - 24:57] Like, I don't understand it. Like, why me?
[24:57 - 25:05] Out of everyone on the internet, you guys decided to bully me and I don't understand it.
[25:05 - 25:18] And for me, doing my music and my poetry and my artwork, those are my escapes.
[25:18 - 25:33] When I put out these dark songs and this dark poetry and shit, that's my escape. That's my therapy.
[25:33 - 25:51] That's my way of escaping all this.
[25:51 - 26:13] I just don't understand why it has to be me that has to suffer.
[26:13 - 26:21] Hell, to be honest, why does anyone have to suffer?
[26:21 - 26:25] Why should anyone have to suffer being bullied?
[26:25 - 26:31] I don't get it. And I don't understand it.
[26:31 - 26:53] It's not fair to me and it's not fair to anyone who is actually trying to do good in this world.
[26:53 - 27:13] I just don't understand what I ever did to deserve this. I don't understand what I did to deserve all this bullying and all this trolling that I've got not only over the last few months, but since last year.
[27:13 - 27:24] I don't understand what I did to deserve to be bullied to the point where I don't see a way out of it.
[27:24 - 27:34] Because I don't see a way out.
[27:34 - 27:55] All I see is an empty void of hatred, disgust, and agony. That's all I see.
[27:55 - 28:13] I just want to be myself again. But I can't be that person if he won't leave me alone long enough to be that person.
[28:13 - 28:32] And to be honest, that's another reason why I'm leaving for a while so that I can try to get better because I want to be better and I want to do better.
[28:32 - 28:42] I want to be the person that I once was before all of this.
[28:42 - 28:48] I'm tired of waking up depressed every day.
[28:48 - 29:00] I'm tired of waking up and seeing bullying going on aimed at me.
[29:00 - 29:14] I'm tired of seeing degrading posts and degrading chats about me.
[29:14 - 29:30] I'm tired of it. I don't deserve it and I don't need it.
[29:30 - 29:50] As to the bullies, I say this, and I have said this before, when you shut down my shops for no reason, you're not only taking away from me.
[29:50 - 30:03] You're taking away from my family. You're taking away from me being able to have a normal life to where I can make a living.
[30:03 - 30:12] But you're also taking away from my fans and my community who truly support me.
[30:12 - 30:30] You're taking away from a lot of people. All for a selfish game, for a selfish joke.
[30:30 - 30:54] And if you go to Kiwi Farms and like you type in Cyrax with two X's and I type in Kiwi Farms, it's there you'll find some of the most degrading and disturbing stuff put out on me.
[30:54 - 31:03] And every day it just gets worse and worse and worse.
[31:03 - 31:32] And it's gut-wrenching.
[31:32 - 31:42] I'm tired of it.
[31:42 - 31:52] Because of this bullying, I've lost opportunities. I've lost very real record deals.
[31:52 - 31:58] I've lost sponsorships with major sponsors.
[31:58 - 32:14] At one point, I was supposed to get a sponsorship from Monster Energy, but they decided to pull back because of all this.
[32:14 - 32:27] I've lost sponsorships with gaming companies like Thrustmaster, who as you guys know are very big within the racing community.
[32:27 - 32:36] I've lost sponsorships with Fnatic Racing.
[32:36 - 32:54] I've lost art sponsors for doing my artwork.
[32:54 - 33:21] I've lost money from PayPal because of these people.
[33:21 - 33:26] I've lost a lot because of these people.
[33:26 - 33:32] My whole career has been put in jeopardy because of these people.
[33:32 - 34:01] So instead of putting out content, I have spent more time defending my channel than I have actually putting out content. And that's not fair to me.
[34:01 - 34:25] So with that being said guys, now you know what I've gone through over these last four months.
[34:25 - 34:38] And how hellish of a nightmare my life has been.
[34:38 - 34:53] And that's why as of right now, after this livestream, until I know that Kate and all the trolls are gone, I'm not coming back.
[34:53 - 35:04] Until I know for sure that Kate and all her little friends and all the trolls are leaving me alone.
[35:04 - 35:14] Once Kate and all her little friends and all the trolls that have attacked me and harassed me are gone, that's when I'll come back.
[35:14 - 35:36] But until then, I don't know when I will come back. I do know that I will eventually, but I just don't know when.
[35:36 - 35:45] But I do hope that it's soon because I do enjoy making content.
[35:45 - 35:52] But first I need this to end so I can get myself to where I need to be.
[35:52 - 35:57] I need this war to end.
[35:57 - 36:08] I want to be able to get those opportunities back that I lost. But in order to do that, I need these trolls gone.
[36:08 - 36:13] And I need you guys, the fans, to help me do it.
[36:13 - 36:26] So please, help me bring down Kate and Mas. I want to bring down Mas, whole reports, rumor research, and everybody that has ever bullied me.
[36:26 - 36:29] Please.
[36:29 - 36:38] Please bring these people down for gifts so I can get to doing what I need to do.
[36:38 - 36:42] I love you guys.
[36:42 - 36:49] I will see you whenever these people are dealt with.
[36:49 - 37:07] And just know that I am fine. And that I'm just waiting for this to end.
[37:07 - 37:18] And just know that I am okay. So I don't want no way to freak out. I am okay.
[37:18 - 37:34] But until Kate and her friends and everybody that has bullied me or dealt with, I need to step away.
[37:34 - 37:39] I love you guys.
[37:39 - 37:45] I'll see you guys soon.