2021-5-15 Stepping Away for a Long while

[0:00 - 0:12] What's up guys? Um, I know a lot of you guys may have seen the stream and I don't know why it was muted, but, I'm making a video about this right now.
[0:12 - 0:29] Um, today I got to see my ex-girlfriend, Lexi's family for the first time since her passing.
[0:29 - 0:58] Um, I had actually ran into her older sister at the corner store down here at Gold Star and we started hanging out and we had started talking about Lexi and how close me and Lexi were and how we were a good couple and how at one point in our lives when we were together the last time I spoke to her.
[0:58 - 1:27] Um, we were actually talking about getting married, um, but it's been hard because I've not been able to grieve her death ever since I found out about Lexi.
[1:27 - 1:56] Um, and the reason why I've not been able to do that is because it's just constantly been, you know, just go, go, go, go one way or the other, just constantly putting out videos, not being allowed to take breaks, not being allowed to, you know, grieve my girlfriend's death.
[1:56 - 2:13] Because I've constantly had to put out videos and put out content and defend myself and defend my family and protect myself from people that want to hurt me and my family.
[2:13 - 2:26] I've not been able to actually sit down and, you know, actually grieve.
[2:26 - 2:55] There are many times where I've wanted to break down on livestreams so bad, but I didn't. And I couldn't because I knew that if I did, you know, it would be pretty bad and I can honestly say I know that Lexi would not want me to do that.
[2:55 - 3:07] I didn't hear it already. Lexi would be like, don't you dare break down on a livestream. Don't you dare.
[3:07 - 3:20] You know, it's funny because a lot of people don't know this, but me and Lexi were very, very close. We were just as close as me and Jaycar.
[3:20 - 3:31] You get me and Lexi together. It's literally just like me and Jay being together. We would always goof off, always have fun.
[3:31 - 3:41] You know, my family loved her to death, her family loved me to death, but we were always hanging out, spending time together.
[3:41 - 4:05] I remember the one day, instead of going straight home to go to work with her dad, she had snuck over here to hang out and she had told him that she had gotten stuck in traffic because she did drive.
[4:05 - 4:15] He had asked her where she was and she had told him that she was stuck in traffic and that she'd be there in a few hours.
[4:15 - 4:27] Those few hours were just amazing. We were goofing off, having fun, you know, doing whatever.
[4:27 - 4:42] And that's how things were with her. Like, I knew she had health problems, but I didn't know they were as bad as they were.
[4:42 - 4:52] Because Lexi was the kind of person that didn't want anybody to know she was sick.
[4:52 - 5:00] She was the kind of person that didn't want anybody to worry.
[5:00 - 5:09] She was the kind of person that wanted to see you smiling and not worry about her.
[5:09 - 5:23] She always tried to make everybody happy in any way that she could. That was her, like, to the T.
[5:23 - 5:33] And, you know, being around her family today really made me realize a lot.
[5:33 - 5:40] It made me realize that I need to get away from all of this.
[5:40 - 6:03] I need time to get past all this. And I need time to work on other things, do other things that I want to do with my life.
[6:03 - 6:14] Like, because of all this unnecessary drama, I've not been able to put out the video content that I want to put out.
[6:14 - 6:26] I've not been able to be the fun-loving person that, you know, people originally knew me for.
[6:26 - 6:47] I've not been able to, you know, show my good side. I've constantly been having to fight and battle and argue and do things I don't want to do.
[6:47 - 6:56] And that's why I'm leaving this channel for a while, so that I can start doing those things,
[6:56 - 7:13] so that I can mourn over the loss of my girlfriend, so that I can, you know, put out content that I want to put out.
[7:13 - 7:23] And I know a lot of people are probably thinking, oh, this is just another excuse. We've been like, no, I won't, not for a while.
[7:23 - 7:31] Because ever since my girlfriend's passing last year, I've not had the chance to grieve or do anything.
[7:31 - 7:35] And it's been hard.
[7:35 - 7:46] Imagine losing somebody that you love so much that you think the world of.
[7:46 - 7:53] You find out they're dead and that they passed away.
[7:53 - 8:08] And you want to just grieve so bad, but you can't because you're constantly doing things, constantly busy, constantly doing this, constantly doing that,
[8:08 - 8:17] constantly giving people what they want you to put out and not doing what you want to do.
[8:17 - 8:24] That's been my life since last year.
[8:24 - 8:30] And I don't need that.
[8:30 - 8:57] And it's been so fucking hard since her death.
[8:57 - 9:11] I've constantly had people attacking me, belittling me, bashing on me, threatening my family's lives.
[9:11 - 9:22] And it's so bad that I've not had a chance to take a break.
[9:22 - 9:27] Which is why I'm stepping away for a good long while.
[9:27 - 9:32] I don't know how many months. I don't know how many weeks.
[9:32 - 9:42] But I am stepping away for a long time.
[9:42 - 9:51] Hell, I can't even remember the last time I worked on any artwork.
[9:51 - 9:54] I want to be able to do those things again.
[9:54 - 10:02] I want to be able to be the happy person that I once was.
[10:02 - 10:17] You know, I want to be able to put out content that I do enjoy instead of always being angry and upset and that and, you know, vomit all the time.
[10:17 - 10:21] That's not the side of me that I want the world to see.
[10:21 - 10:35] The side of me that I want the world to see is the side of me that's fun, loving, caring, happy, smiling, goofing off with my friends, having fun with my family.
[10:35 - 10:57] Putting out content that I personally enjoy putting out.
[10:57 - 11:20] I don't know what else to say other than I hope you guys understand and I hope that you guys take care of yourselves.
[11:20 - 11:35] But I do hope that's for all of you guys.
[11:35 - 12:00] With that being said, I love you guys and I will see you when I am better and I'm able to, you know, more hold myself together.
[12:00 - 12:18] Because like I said, I've been in a constant state of fear, agony, worry, saying and doing things I would never say or do.
[12:18 - 12:41] And I really need to take that time away to not only grieve over the loss of my girlfriend who passed away last year, who have not had the chance to grieve over, but I also need to reflect on myself, my life and where I wanted to go.
[12:41 - 13:03] And I know a lot of people think that when I cry that I'm not really crying, but I actually am.
[13:03 - 13:28] It's just I've cried so much that it's hard for me to produce tears anymore because I've cried so much.
[13:28 - 13:39] But with that being said, I love you guys and I will see you guys later. Peace.