2021-3-14 my daily struggle with Mental health and how i fight it

[0:00 - 0:30] (sigh)
[0:30 - 0:32] What's up, guys?
[0:32 - 0:44] Now, I know a lot of you guys are gonna come in here and start trolling me and shit, and it's whatever, but that's not what's important.
[0:44 - 1:00] I wanna talk about something that I've never really talked about before so that you guys have a good idea about what I deal with on a daily basis.
[1:01 - 1:03] Which is mental health issues.
[1:03 - 1:25] You know, a lot of people don't realize that just because, you know, I am who I am,
[1:25 - 1:33] like, people think that just because, you know, I'm doing this, I'm doing that.
[1:33 - 1:54] Like, people don't think that I deal with mental issues, like, you know, being depressed, you know, going through PTSD, having to live with bad things that have happened to me.
[1:54 - 2:05] And I guess that's where, you know, a lot of my songs that I write come from.
[2:05 - 2:26] You know, like, when I was mentally and verbally and emotionally abused by my ex-girlfriend, and how Marty and his friends bully me, and how I was raped 13 years ago,
[2:26 - 2:38] and how I am now being made out to be this rapist that I'm not. Like, people think that that kind of stuff doesn't mess with my head.
[2:40 - 3:01] And the truth is, it affects me so much. It really does affect me on a very, very deep level. Like, you know, when, you know, somebody attacks me on the level of the way that I've been getting attacked recently,
[3:01 - 3:18] that does hurt, that does mess with my head quite a bit. I'll be straight up honest, last night, after I saw what happened, and after I went off on Billy and Marty,
[3:18 - 3:27] the only thing I could do was sit there and cry.
[3:27 - 3:41] And people think that you're weak when you show emotion. People think that because you're a guy, you're not supposed to show your feelings. No, that's not true.
[3:41 - 3:57] That whole stigma of guys aren't supposed to cry, that's not fucking true at all. That's really not true. Like, I deal with so much every day with me being who I am.
[3:57 - 4:11] And, you know, just stuff that I've been through. Like, people think that just because I'm a rising star on YouTube, that I don't deal with pressure. I don't deal with depression.
[4:11 - 4:17] I don't deal with, you know, being bullied and this, that, and the other, but I actually do.
[4:17 - 4:35] I do deal with that shit every day and, you know, and that's why when I talk about in these songs, you know, when I wake up, and I look in the mirror, I don't see myself.
[4:35 - 5:02] I see a demon, a monster, you know, I see, you know, someone that used to be happy, that used to enjoy being around people. I see somebody that got turned into this fucking monster that he's not.
[5:02 - 5:17] That's why when I talk about this shit, like, that's why I put in a lot of my songs, you know, when I wake up, I look in the mirror, like, let me quote one of my lines for you.
[5:17 - 5:29] Every day when I wake up, and I look in the mirror, I don't see myself, I see a demon, a reflection of somebody that everyone made me out to be.
[5:29 - 5:39] And that line right there is basically me saying, you know, I got turned into a monster that I'm not by other people.
[5:39 - 5:54] Because these people have caused me to lash out these people have caused me to do things that I normally wouldn't do like lashing out attacking and making death threats.
[5:54 - 6:04] You know, going off the handle and, you know, as you can tell by the wall behind me doing stuff like that.
[6:04 - 6:13] Before I was bullied, I never used to do any of that stuff. I was calm, I was laid back.
[6:13 - 6:17] And now I'm constantly having to look over my shoulder.
[6:17 - 6:30] Every day I have to look over my shoulder and worry, what is Marty going to do next to try to ruin my life? What's he going to do next to fuck me over?
[6:30 - 6:42] How's he going to threaten my family next?
[6:42 - 7:05] Like, you guys are lucky, you know, a lot of you guys that see me on here doing these live streams, you don't see what goes on after the live streams, you only see what you see on lives, you don't see what happens after.
[7:05 - 7:11] My family, my girlfriend, my friends, they all see that shit.
[7:11 - 7:26] And they can tell you firsthand.
[7:26 - 7:49] They can tell you first fucking hand how hard my life actually is outside of YouTube because of the depression because of me constantly living in a state of fear every day.
[7:49 - 8:01] I never asked to be bullied. I don't know why Marty and his friends choose to pick on me.
[8:01 - 8:21] I don't know why. But it has gotten so bad that I can't even go outside and take walks and do my photography or film vlogs like I used to.
[8:21 - 8:41] Because I'm always living in a constant state of fear because I constantly have to sit by the computer and monitor and look after my family and protect my family.
[8:41 - 8:57] Every day I have to fucking watch my family's backs to make sure that nothing happens to them because of all these death threats that Marty's done.
[8:57 - 9:14] And a lot of people don't understand that. A lot of people don't understand what it's like to be bullied like I get bullied and have false rumors spread about you every fucking day.
[9:14 - 9:26] See, a lot of you guys out there, when you wake up, you get to wake up, you get to go to your job or do whatever.
[9:26 - 9:34] When I wake up, I have to be at the ready at all fucking times.
[9:34 - 9:49] I have to be on guard 24/7, 365.
[9:49 - 9:56] And here's the thing Jerome, this is something that you might not understand.
[9:56 - 10:17] See, yes, I make death threats, yes that is true, but I do it in self fucking defense of myself, my family, my soon to be fucking fiance, my fucking girlfriend, my friends, my family.
[10:17 - 10:25] Marty sits there and threatens my life and expects me not to fucking fire back.
[10:25 - 10:38] And then when I do fire back, he gets pissed, he gets angry and finds a reason to make me look like shit because he can't handle the fucking truth.
[10:38 - 10:54] He can't handle the fact that I outsmart him every time.
[10:54 - 11:11] This man has belittled me, this man has threatened my life, he bomb threaded my family, he bomb threaded my mom, he threatened to blow up her car a year and a half ago.
[11:11 - 11:20] And then he sent rope to my house and admitted to sending it and turned around and told me to kill myself on a livestream.
[11:20 - 11:40] And then as if that wasn't enough, he turned around, hacked into my fucking bank account, pretended to be me, and then had rope sent to my house, basically telling me to kill myself.
[11:40 - 11:53] And if that wasn't bad enough, he sent a fucking knife, a serrated knife with a note to my girlfriend's house threatening her life.
[11:53 - 12:07] And you think you got it easy, you think you have it hard, you guys have it easy compared to what I deal with. This stuff I go through, I wouldn't wish on anyone.
[12:07 - 12:33] You know, I wouldn't wish this stuff that I'd go through on anyone.
[12:33 - 12:42] No one deserves to get put through the shit that I've gotten put through.
[12:42 - 13:07] I mean, it's bad enough that I got framed for fucking murder when I didn't even kill anyone. But now I have to deal with being called a rapist when I didn't even do anything.
[13:07 - 13:18] The person he interviewed was the one that did it to me 13 years ago.
[13:18 - 13:38] 13 years ago, Billy fucking raped me and CPS got involved and they proved my innocence. They proved I was innocent.
[13:38 - 13:56] They proved that I didn't do anything wrong. And now I have to live with being called a fucking rapist every day when I didn't do anything.
[13:56 - 14:06] And you know what that does to me, that hurts me a lot. And that hinders my career on stuff that I'm wanting to do.
[14:06 - 14:31] And you think that's fair to me, my life, my family, my girlfriend, you think that's fair to any of them or me? It's not.
[14:31 - 14:43] Oh yeah, I confronted him last night on Marty's livestream. I straight confronted his ass and flat out told him to tell the fucking truth about how he did fucking rape me 13 years ago.
[14:43 - 14:53] I confronted his ass and I thought I told him if he doesn't tell the fucking truth, I will go to his house and I will feed his fucking ass.
[14:53 - 15:08] You can go back and watch the livestream. You can go on Marty's channel and see for yourself. I straight out went at him.
[15:08 - 15:34] Oh, trust me, Triffle. Starting tomorrow, things are going to start getting better. Trust me. Things are going to start getting better tomorrow for sure.
[15:34 - 15:48] And see, you guys that are sitting here talking all this shit, you don't know what it's like to live through the horrifying shit that I've gotten put through.
[15:48 - 15:55] You don't understand. So you can sit there and judge all you want, but you really don't understand.
[15:55 - 16:19] See, you guys that are sitting here making judgment calls on me, calling me the bad guy, you're only seeing one side of the story. You're not seeing the whole thing and what I got fucking put through.
[16:19 - 16:26] What up, Anthony?
[16:26 - 16:37] See, you guys are only seeing Marty's side of things, but what you're not seeing is what I deal with off camera.
[16:37 - 16:49] You're not seeing what I deal with in my daily life and how it affects me personally.
[16:49 - 17:06] You don't understand how broken I am mentally because of all this. You don't see the fights that I fight every day. Every day I live with depression.
[17:06 - 17:19] I live with thoughts of suicide. I live with being victimized every day.
[17:19 - 17:36] And the reason why I try to keep a cool head and I try to stay positive is because the fans that relate to my music, they make me okay. Them being okay is the reason that I'm okay.
[17:36 - 17:45] My girlfriend and my family being okay is the reason I'm okay.
[17:45 - 17:57] You guys think that, like, just because Marty says it, it must be true. That's not true at all.
[17:57 - 18:12] If anything, Marty is a fucking liar and he will do anything in the world to make me look like fucking shit. He will do anything in the world to be able to attack me to ruin my life.
[18:12 - 18:26] That's what he's done for the past six years. He's trying to find ways to attack me, make me look like a bad guy, make me look like shit so that I don't get the chance to do what I want to do with my life.
[18:26 - 18:48] Why do you think I relate to songs like this?
[18:48 - 19:16] Why do you think I relate to songs like this one that I'm about to do for you guys?
[19:16 - 19:39] I went up every morning with my head up in the days I'm not sure if I say this fuck I say it anyway, everybody tries to tell me that I'm going through a phase that I look at the phase I just want to feel okay.
[19:39 - 19:51] Yeah, I'm faddling with depression, but the question still remains. Is this supposed to matter, stress, or more? Am I supposed to press and rage? My doctor tries to tell me that I'm going through a stage, not a fucking phase, I just want to feel okay.
[19:51 - 19:57] Okay, yeah, I'm struggling with this bullshit every day, and it's probably because my demons simultaneously rage.
[19:57 - 20:26] Rage me, the scent don't grate me, and I don't let me.
[20:26 - 20:43] He don't go nowhere like a rat tramp in a maze, every wall that I lie down is just a wall that I replace, I'm in a race against myself, I try to keep a steady place, how the fuck would I escape if I never caused my kiss?
[20:43 - 20:55] Oh my God, I keep on stressing every second, then I waste, there's another second sooner to the best, and I want this in my therapist, don't tell me that I'm going through a stage, it's not a fucking stage, I just want to feel okay.
[20:55 - 21:22] Motherfucker, now you've got my attention, I need to get the chain to come with me, 'cause something is missing, one of the five with the life, tell you everything they'll find, take your fucking day, I get closer to the grip, I get terrified, with all this money back to real again, crash, my card is here again.
[21:22 - 21:44] Those lines right there are what I deal with every day, I deal with depression going through my mind, every day I deal with that shit, but I fight, and I fight, and I fight, because I know someone out there can relate to what I'm going through, which is why I do the stuff that I do.
[21:44 - 22:08] That's why I release the music that I release.
[22:08 - 22:37] That's why I do what I do when I speak on this stuff, because I know that somewhere down the line, my music will help somebody who's been in the position that I've been in, or is in that position.
[22:37 - 23:04] Matter of fact, let me give you guys a full taste of what it is that I deal with.
[23:04 - 23:16] And if you are going through any of the stuff that I've been through, I hope that this helps you, and I hope that you know that you're not alone, and that together we will get through this shit.
[23:16 - 23:34] Why don't you go get some help, take some meds, go see a counselor, and they can help you with your problems. Some people can never understand, it's a war inside your head.
[23:34 - 23:55] Lately I've been there to learn the world in a quiet place, since I can learn one differently I can't embrace, from all the hurt and all the pain, can you feel my rage, loading up those bullies that consider me a basket case, what makes them change, my past turning over with, why I keep on 12 or 9, and why my thoughts on cancer is, why my best friend has a dying God, cause you need answers to this.
[23:55 - 24:07] When I'm not nagging, I'm not molesting, let's just admit me, I'm a crumble, thinkin' shinin', seein' double in, can't see my stomach grow more than this, I can never stand on, I can come from the struggle, I can promise stayin' home.
[24:07 - 24:24] That's all for the trouble, and I can't stop, I'm fuckin' drunk, with rhymes we really kill, really believe I will be dead, I'm reactin' to jiggle lives, in the summers I forget, self-dreams can't go play, we only hangin' by a threat, maybe ask you for this trigger and just let my mind arrest ya, lost in the music, if I stay up here with it.
[24:24 - 24:29] If I stay up here with it, baby, hangin' on, I don't know if I can do this.
[24:29 - 24:47] When I rise, when I fall, when I rise, when I fall, I don't know anymore, look in my reflection, ain't no verses dreamin', wishin' I was dreamin', when I rise, when I fall, when I rise, when I fall, I don't know anymore.
[24:47 - 25:13] I know you can leave me under this, I can see it in your eyes, you can't even stain yourself, you think it's on you, now you're gonna rhyme a little, toss and turn and every night debate, and if it even helps, drink with the party, quit the drugs, quit the reefer, and now you think it's problem solved, 'cause you can change your people, they'd be miserable, it's deep, feedin' off the evil, take my hand tonight, and I can promise you'll be always peaceful, what I'm 'bout my family, I can leave 'em in a disarray.
[25:13 - 25:28] You can tell me they move on, we gain about you anyway, what if I'm okay, and it's in me, in fact, I admit on them, then another source, do not worry, they will all admit it, better to get gone, do not act like you have any friends, heaven don't exist, this is it, where you take my hand.
[25:28 - 25:40] Listen, they get louder, you can't wait to build a sign, you will, try me on the dark side, through the dreary depths of hell, you don't see the music, it's therapeutic, but they ain't on, I don't know if I can do this.
[25:40 - 25:46] When I rise, when I fall, when I rise, when I fall, I don't know anymore.
[25:46 - 26:10] When I rise, when I fall, when I rise, when I fall, I don't know anymore, I feel like giving up though, something I can't explain now, I feel like giving up on, some things I can't explain now.
[26:10 - 26:22] When I rise, when I fall, when I rise, when I fall, I don't know anymore.
[26:23 - 26:26] I don't know, I don't know.
[26:27 - 30:04] [Music]
[30:05 - 30:07] You know what?
[30:07 - 30:20] I'm basically showing you guys what I deal with through music on a day-to-day fucking life.
[30:20 - 30:24] And if you don't like it, get the fuck out.
[30:24 - 30:30] Get the fuck off my stream and go find another fucking person to go after.
[30:30 - 30:36] Because you're bullshit and you're fucking crack addict shit and you're fucking welcome here, bro.
[30:36 - 30:58] Matter of fact, I want to do a song for you guys.
[30:58 - 31:00] [Music]
[31:00 - 31:18] That actually speaks a lot about of shit that I'm going through.
[31:18 - 31:22] And a lot of you guys might know and a lot of you guys might not.
[31:23 - 64:50] [Music]