2021-1-21 Mental Health Awareness and abuse abd bullying has impacted me

[0:00 - 0:28] [Music]
[0:28 - 0:57] What's up guys, it's your boy. I wanted to talk about something here. Something that not a lot of people understand about, especially people like Marty, who don't understand about mental health.
[0:57 - 1:26] How bullying has impacted my life. How being in abusive relationships has affected my life. Not just as a content creator, not just as a YouTuber, as a music artist, but personally on a very personal level.
[1:26 - 1:47] As you guys know, Marty is a very big cause of a lot of the mental issues that I do have on top of being in many abusive relationships, whether it was mental, verbal, emotional.
[1:47 - 2:00] You know, all those things, you know, has really affected me on a major level.
[2:00 - 2:15] And like what people don't realize when I talk about, you know, hey, you know, I've been there.
[2:15 - 2:29] You know, when I talk about, you know, hey, I've been in abusive relationships, when I talk about, you know, being a survivor of suicide, I'm not just saying it.
[2:29 - 2:51] It's because I've actually gone through it to the fullest extent. There were times in my life where, you know, I felt like, you know, that, you know, maybe me not being here on this earth is what's best for everyone.
[2:51 - 3:13] You know, maybe people like Marty and Shinako Kat and all of them are right that, you know, I don't deserve to be here. Maybe they're right about everything, you know, because like that on top of what I've been through, you know, with abusive relationships.
[3:13 - 3:34] Like, it's really bad. And a lot of people don't understand that when you're in an abusive relationship, or you're getting bullied, like I get bullied by Marty and his guys and his community, that has a lasting impact.
[3:34 - 4:03] Okay, like, people don't, you know, understand that, you know, that stuff that you get put through, that puts you in a point of depression, being, you know, pushed to that point for so long.
[4:03 - 4:10] That puts you in almost a permanent state of depression.
[4:10 - 4:22] Like, I can honestly say that yes, I do enjoy doing music. I am happy when I get to put out content.
[4:22 - 4:33] But a lot of people don't understand that when I'm off camera, you guys don't see what I deal with.
[4:33 - 4:45] Like, I literally will be sitting there reading through the comments, and I'll start breaking down because of this shit that Marty does because of all these attacks.
[4:45 - 4:59] And it just doesn't spawn from that. Like, people don't understand like the in depth details of abuse that I got put through in the past.
[4:59 - 5:08] One of the relationships I was in, I was constantly put down on a daily basis, almost.
[5:08 - 5:34] Like, it was an almost daily occurrence. Like, I started dating this chick named Rebecca. And, you know, it started out like any other relationship, you know, it started off really, really good and very, very, you know, good, like, in, you know, the best way possible.
[5:34 - 5:44] Like, it literally started out great, we were happy, you know, everything was going good.
[5:44 - 5:55] And then literally one day she just out of nowhere started belittling me and putting me down.
[5:55 - 6:08] And at first I thought like, okay, maybe she's in a bad mood, you know, whatever, you know, I'll let her calm down and, you know, and let it be.
[6:08 - 6:12] And at first that's how she made it seem.
[6:12 - 6:20] And then she was just in a bad mood that she really didn't mean any of it.
[6:20 - 6:26] Literally the level of abuse of abuse that she put me through was insane.
[6:26 - 6:31] Like, it really was bad.
[6:31 - 6:49] Like, one day everything will be good, everything will be fine, we were happy. And then next day she would literally start, you know, bashing me, attacking me, you know, calling me names, saying that I was worthless, that I was a piece of shit.
[6:49 - 6:54] That I was trash, that I could never find anyone better than her.
[6:54 - 7:06] And every time I would try to leave, she would literally be like, go ahead because you're never going to find anyone better than, you know, than I am.
[7:06 - 7:24] Like, you're always going to come back to me. And I tried to walk away from it at first, but it continued so much that it got to the point to where I had lost friends.
[7:24 - 7:41] You know, like, some of my friends had, you know, abandoned me and stopped talking to me. I had family members stopped talking to me over the years.
[7:41 - 7:45] Everything I wanted to do, I gave up on.
[7:45 - 7:50] I didn't want to do anything. I was always depressed.
[7:50 - 8:07] There were nights where when she would put me down, I would literally lay there and ball my eyes out, wondering if she maybe was right about everything.
[8:07 - 8:15] Now, imagine getting put through that situation for four and a half years.
[8:15 - 8:40] And literally, the last time she abused me, I literally tried to end my life because she had said some, like, I don't remember exactly what it was that she said, but she had said some shit that literally put me at that point to where I was like, you know, maybe, maybe me being dead is the solution to all this.
[8:40 - 8:55] Maybe me taking my own life and doing away with the misery is literally, you know, what's best.
[8:55 - 9:12] And a lot of people, a lot of people, especially people like Marty, don't understand that when you go through that so many years for so long of being abused, that shit sticks with you.
[9:12 - 9:28] And to go through all of that and then to get bullied on the one platform that, you know, I have a voice is fucked up.
[9:28 - 9:46] Like, you know, people don't realize matter of fact, let me, let me show you guys in depth here exactly what it is that.
[9:46 - 9:57] Let me give you guys an insider book at what, you know, it is that I deal with and it's not just me.
[9:57 - 10:04] It's not just me that deals with this. This is literally something that happens to a lot of people.
[10:04 - 10:18] I think these two videos will actually give you a good idea as to what not only I deal with, but what many others deal with as well.
[10:18 - 10:47] I kill mine I know these guys personally they're actually their friends and this music did actually help me in a big way.
[10:47 - 10:55] I'm going to sleep and be like no one know this is like I ain't even here.
[10:55 - 10:59] If I step in like you're going to drink a little bit.
[10:59 - 11:05] Take notice that I'm no longer living in battle sports couldn't be like a mental decision.
[11:05 - 11:08] From the sweat that's trickling down my face.
[11:08 - 11:16] On my chest as I feel my heart rate, I'm reading so fast trying to catch my breath, body weak from anxiety, I got nothing left.
[11:16 - 11:22] I'm paralyzed as a lie in this prison I created in my mind I'm starting to find I feel more and more sedated and I sweat again.
[11:22 - 11:29] I hate it but tell me what should I do if I confess to my distress will someone help me push through all these obstacles I'm facing every day of my life.
[11:29 - 11:32] Be a better way cuz I'm living it right now.
[11:32 - 12:01] You're not like green lights it won't stop you pissed off you so hot.
[12:01 - 12:05] Like you twenty two o'clock school boom is that robots and teeth made like two rocks.
[12:05 - 12:08] We feeling the right for telly burn up in a blind spot.
[12:08 - 12:12] The place ain't no me I'm gonna fight you like I'm tired trying to help you not.
[12:12 - 12:16] I'm only thinking one shot fits to the face like a fist boo and she rocks.
[12:16 - 12:19] Some won't be crazy up to see that's a weak spot.
[12:19 - 12:24] And some wouldn't pity me seeing me in this trap but nah y'all do not a role boom I've got.
[12:24 - 12:29] Trying to understand me there's something that you came out of the press like a one shot.
[12:29 - 12:34] Step like a blood clot because of all the wars in the past that I fought and I fought.
[12:34 - 12:36] I guess I'm slipping like a slipknot.
[12:36 - 12:38] So I pass and so I'm still swooping and step.
[12:38 - 12:40] I get numb from these nightmares.
[12:40 - 12:43] Every night still feels like I'm right there.
[12:43 - 12:49] In the fight hear the green shots ringing the bullets flying around my bg till the love everybody get down.
[12:49 - 12:51] I get numb from these nightmares.
[12:51 - 12:54] Every night still feels like I'm right there.
[12:54 - 12:56] In the fight waking up to a cold sweat.
[12:56 - 13:01] I get numb from these nightmares.
[13:01 - 13:12] In the fight hear the green shots ringing the bullets flying around my bg till the love everybody get down.
[13:12 - 13:16] Every night still feels like I'm right there.
[13:16 - 13:18] Waking up to a cold sweat.
[13:18 - 13:20] I get numb from these nightmares.
[13:20 - 13:22] In the fight hear the green shots ringing the love everybody get down.
[13:22 - 13:27] In the fight hear the green shots ringing the bullets flying around my bg till the love everybody get down.
[13:27 - 13:29] I get numb from these nightmares.
[13:29 - 13:31] Every night still feels like I'm right there.
[13:31 - 13:35] In the fight hear the green shots ringing the bullets flying around my bg till the love everybody get down.
[13:35 - 13:37] I get numb from these nightmares.
[13:37 - 13:39] Every night still feels like I'm right there.
[13:39 - 13:41] In the fight hear the green shots ringing the bullets flying around my bg till the love everybody get down.
[13:41 - 13:43] I get numb from these nightmares.
[13:43 - 13:45] Every night still feels like I'm right there.
[13:45 - 19:39] In the fight hear the green shots ringing the bullets flying around my bg till the love everybody get down.
[19:39 - 19:45] Many of you guys are going through anything like that.
[19:45 - 33:51] This is a site and a number that you guys can call or text anytime day or night like at all.
[33:51 - 34:09] Let me put this to rest really fast.
[34:09 - 34:23] Hmmm, what song shall I do?
[34:23 - 34:31] Aha, I know.
[34:31 - 34:39] Who's it at?
[34:39 - 34:53] I know it's something I want to do, I just have to find it.
[34:53 - 37:59] This is a site and a number that you guys can call or text anytime day or night like at all.
[37:59 - 38:07] This is actually for the person that actually wanted me to do this song a few minutes ago so this is also for y'all as well.
[38:07 - 38:16] That is true man.
[38:16 - 57:09] This is a site and a number that you guys can call or text anytime day or night like at all.
[57:09 - 57:31] So like I said Marty, maybe if you would get your head out of your fucking ass and realize the fucked up shit that you're doing, maybe you could actually do something worthwhile instead of attacking people like me like a fucking psychopath.
[57:38 - 57:55] The only thing right now, Marty, is people like you that drive people like me into depression, that drive people like me to want to end our lives because of the bullying, because of the shit that you do.
[57:55 - 58:06] People like you and Rustic are the reason why so many teens and young adults take their own lives because they feel like they don't have a way out.
[58:06 - 58:09] They feel like they're trapped.
[58:09 - 58:13] And that's the kind of shit that you need to quit, dude.
[58:13 - 58:15] For real.
[58:15 - 58:17] Grow up, Marty.
[58:17 - 58:19] Get a life.
[58:19 - 58:24] And quit your fuck shit.
[58:24 - 58:50] But I just want to say that I hope you guys, so many guys that didn't know about what I dealt with, I hope that you guys do realize, you know, what it is that I deal with on an almost daily basis, and how, you know, music's become a very good outlet for me.
[58:50 - 59:02] And not only expressing myself but being able to talk about what I'm going through and what I've dealt with, like, you know, that shit.
[59:02 - 59:18] Like, my music, I can honestly say you guys have supported me on 100% and I can honestly say I'm grateful for that. Because by supporting my music, you're not just supporting me as an artist.
[59:18 - 59:33] You guys are literally supporting a movement that I can honestly say that I'm proud to be part of, which is going against suicide being that voice for, you know, depression, mental health.
[59:33 - 59:42] Like you guys are literally part of a movement that I'm part of, and that's, that's huge to me.
[59:42 - 59:57] So literally by supporting my music and the shit that I do with my music, you guys are literally supporting a massive movement that I feel like needs to be shared more often.
[59:57 - 60:14] Because like I said right now, especially with this pandemic, mental health is a really big deal, especially with this pandemic, because we're in the middle of a pandemic and a lot of places are on lockdown.
[60:14 - 60:37] A lot of that is fueling the fire of people being bullied and attacked on the internet because there's no one there, sitting on YouTube saying hey, we're noticing this problem, how can we stop it.
[60:37 - 60:48] Like there's nobody there at the YouTube headquarters saying hey, we're noticing this situation going on, we need to put a stop to this.
[60:48 - 61:09] Instead it's literally flipped around. People like me who create good content are the ones that are being shut down. And the ones like Marty and Rustic Angel, they're the ones that are literally being attacked.
[61:09 - 61:22] They're the ones that are literally being attacked on the YouTube and saying hey, we're gonna let you guys run rampant and attack all these people.
[61:22 - 61:27] And that's the kind of shit that I'm trying to prevent.
[61:27 - 61:46] To create a good community where people can come in, hang out, have a good time, be themselves, and just be able to talk about anything that they want.
[61:46 - 61:58] With that being said, I am going to hop off here because I actually do have a few things that I need to knock out as well as talking to somebody on Discord that needs to speak with me right away.
[61:58 - 62:05] So, I hope you guys did enjoy this stream and if you did, spread this around man.
[62:05 - 62:11] Let's start a change. Share it to your favorite YouTubers that you guys watch.
[62:11 - 62:17] Share it to everybody that you guys watch. Share it on Facebook, to friends, family.
[62:17 - 62:21] Share it to everybody that you can.
[62:21 - 62:31] Because by you guys sharing this stream, you guys are supporting a movement that needs to happen.
[62:31 - 62:40] You guys are the change. We need to make that change happen and it needs to happen right now.
[62:40 - 62:51] So like I said, share this stream around with everybody that you know.
[62:51 - 63:08] Whether it be on Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Instagram, Twitch, Patreon, what's that one?
[63:08 - 63:19] Point being, share it on Tumblr if you have to. I don't care. Just share it to everywhere that you can.
[63:19 - 63:39] With that being said, yes I am on TikTok. I'll actually send you guys my TikTok. Hold up.
[63:39 - 63:47] I don't do TikTok that much that I do every once in a while.
[63:47 - 63:51] That is actually my TikTok where you guys can check a lot of my stuff out.
[63:51 - 63:56] I do have some really cool TikToks on there and I know I've been slacking.
[63:56 - 64:05] I haven't done one in a while and I definitely will be doing one.
[64:05 - 64:10] I actually do plan on doing that. Like I don't have that many social media.
[64:10 - 64:17] I don't have that much but I do plan on doing more. Especially with my music and my album dropping next month.
[64:17 - 64:21] I am going to be doing a lot more social media based stuff.
[64:21 - 64:31] I am going to be creating a Twitter and all that.
[64:31 - 64:40] I do have an Instagram that's for my artwork mostly. You guys can follow that if you want to.
[64:40 - 64:45] I haven't posted anything on there in a while and I kind of need to.
[64:45 - 65:05] But I am going to be starting up an Instagram for a different shape. But like I said, I am going to try to get a street team together and get stuff going.
[65:05 - 65:17] That being said, I do hope that you guys enjoyed this stream. Remember if you guys are going through depression or if you are being bullied,
[65:17 - 65:25] just know that you are not alone and that there actually is very real help out there.
[65:25 - 65:31] You are not doing one that is going through it. There is legit help out there.
[65:31 - 65:38] Peace.
[65:38 - 65:48] Love you guys. Stay strong.